Around the World in 80 Plates: Demon Chef

Many things happened on last night’s episode of 80 Plates but I need to start by discussing the Demon Chef. WTF was that all about!?

First of all, I get that we’re in Hong Kong this week and people dress a little more avant garde there…but does that excuse the dangly cross earrings and mom-ish haircut?

And he was wearing a sleeveless shirt. That’s not just weird. It’s simply not sanitary. I don’t want someone cooking for me with his armpits exposed to the food he’s about to serve me. Like “here’s your lovely steak cooked rare accompanied with a sauce made with balsamic vinegar and B.O.” No. Never.

But we’ll get back to this character later, even though all I really want to do is forget this man exists. Nightmares.

Like I said, this week the cheftestants head to Hong Kong. Nookie and John become one team and Liz and Nicole become the other team. Avery, who has no remaining team members from last week chooses to be on Liz and Nicole’s team. I don’t know why either, guys.

Nookie may be a big guy and ultra-slow but he’s smarter than the girls and keeps winning these “courses” so I would have chosen him. But she picks the girl’s team. The worst team. Nicole completely blows it. For some reason, she thinks she is suddenly good at doing ev-ery-thing. But she’s not. She single handily loses the challenge for her team because she SUCKS at working with crabs, making dumplings and breathing and walking…

Avery is about to bust. Watching Nicole massacre everything she touches makes her one step way from throwing a full-on hissy fit. She knows she did herself in on this on by not choosing to team with Nookie and John, who are breezing through every part of the challenge. So the men win the exceptional ingredient–some time to pow-wow with a real live sous chef from Hong Kong. Bravo couldn’t think of something a littttleee better?

This is the first “Takeover” that the chefs are cooking as individuals and not as teams. The weaker chefs seem to be freaking out. Liz  and Nicole look to each other in sadness and fear and sigh. They all will also go to the Demon Chef’s restaurant to learn how to cook with innovation. Liz and Nicole give each other the puppy dog eyes again. “WHAT are they doing to us!?”

The chefs sit at the counter of the Demon Chef’s kitchen while he barks orders at his sous chef. He creepily hits on Avery and makes weird jokes at the rest of them. I think I have mentally blocked out most of this scene except for one of the dishes the D.C. made called “sex on the beach” which featured some food that looked like a used condom filled with cream atop pile of something that looked like sand. And Avery ate it. You can stop reading now if you like. I won’t be offended.

So it’s finally time to cook and Nookie makes an oyster with a tapioca pearl. Kinda elementary and simple but the judges seem to like it.

John makes a pile of crazy. His “snow” melts, scallops are overcooked and the plate looks a mess. He is also attempting to work the front of the house. Attempting. Poor John!

Liz doesn’t have enough time in the allotted four freakin’ hours to make her pork dish. But somehow four hours was enough time to cook it extra dried out. Huh.

Nicole whips up some duck thing. Who knows.

Finally, Avery makes a dessert which looks delicious! It’s a mango coulis with a ginger cookie and it looks super pretty so she rightfully gets the win!

The rest of chefs vote off Nicole. John goes on this whole tirade of why Nicole should be voted off–she has no passion! True, she’s boring as dirt but I don’t know anyone on this show besides my beloved CHEVEN who’s exuding passion.

Next week 80 plates goes South American. Ole!

Around the World in 80 Plates: Tortellini Torture

80 Plates is still in Italy! How? I feel like they’ve been there their entire adults lives at this point! This week they are conquering Bologna.

They are keeping the same teams as last week (Jenna, Liz and John on the Red Team and Nookie, Avery, Nick and Nicole on the Black team) and have to carry a GIANT hunk of cheese all around the city all day. They look nuts. Then as the next part of “The Course” they have to get 12 ingredients at a few stores around the town and then bring them to a delightful Italian man to check off.

This seems simple in theory, but unfortunately for the black team, Nicole has immunity and therefore doesn’t want to use her brain. This will be a recurring theme throughout the show. She has a checklist of the items that they got but SOMEHOW she misses the Parmesan cheese. “Oops,” Nicole says as everyone stares at her scornfully. Since they now have to run back and get the cheese, the red team squeaks by them and moves onto the final stop of the course at the Piazza Maggiore where they find Cat and Curtis and win the exceptional ingredient! They are pumped. They needed the moral. Jenna needed to prove that all of the Italian she knows is not for naught! Sweet victory!

The exceptional “not-so” ingredient this week? 60 extra minutes for the Red Team to cook. Which means 60 extra minutes of listening to Jenna barking at her slaves in the kitchen. Good fun. They also get to dine with  Chef Riccardo Facchini, who will explain all about Bolognese cuisine. They have the option of inviting the other team join them and they decide to do it–they don’t want Nookie rolling around Bologna learning things that they don’t know!

Smart. And what’s even smarter? Jenna talks to Chef Riccardo in Italian the ENTIRE time so know one except for her can understand what he’s saying! Brilliant.

During service it’s quite evident that Jenna’s team has the advantage here. They basically cruise through their time in the kitchen and I’m sure the extra 60 minutes didn’t hurt. Even though Jenna is uber-annoying, she runs a tight ship and it’s clear they get shit done.

The black team is struggling to keep their heads above water. Avery, who teaches a pasta-making class seemingly forgets how to make pasta dough and then is running super short on time when she goes to back the tortellini. Oh, the dreaded tortellini. She and Nookie are so frantic with their eye balls popping out of their heads and sweat dripping down their faces that they decide they need to enlist help from the dishwasher, and then the waiters and soon it seems as though every Italian in the country is helping them make tortellini.

In the end, no one should have even bothered helping them because the pasta was awful. So awful that one diner compared it to Chinese take-out. Ouchhhh. John’s tortellini on the red team was a lot better and people actually wanted to eat it. Shocking.

The diners liked Nick’s mushrooms but that seemed to be about it. Nick would have been the MCP if his team won, but that’s of course not how this story goes.

The final course was the meat course: Liz on the red team vs. Nicole on the black team. A battle of the meat broads. Jenna fully expected cute lil’ Liz to fail. But no, she rocked her meat course out and everyone lovedddd ittttt.

Nicole on the other hand, screwed up her meat in every way possible. I mean, everything was wrong with it and had she not had immunity she would have been sent home.

But in the end, it’s sad Nick that gets voted off. Avery and Nookie have an alliance happening so neither one of them wanted to vote for each other. Knowing this, Nick took his frustrations out on Nicole because she was clearly the weak–super weak link here. She begins the voting and names Nick and then everyone else follows.

Nookie is pissed that Nick has to pack his bags. He tells the camera, that he won’t forget this…watch your back, Nicole in a very Godfather-esque way. He won’t forget this.

Next week the cheftestants are finallyyyyy leaving Europe for good this time. They’re moving on to Thailand!

Around the World in 80 Plates: Nonna Don’t Play That

When we last left 80 Plates, they were in Morocco and I thought the next logical stop on the tour around the world would be India, maybe South Africa, maybe I don’t know…anywhere but going BACK to Europe to stop by Italy!? Very weird. But anyway, to Florence..er Tuscany…I’m not really sure, but there they went.

The team picking was fun this week. Chaz was sent home last week so the rest of his team: Gary  freakin’ Walker and Nick (I finally learned this guy’s name) became the two team captains. They had to pick the team for other guy. So whoever’s picked first is really being picked last. So if you’re picked last you should be happy but red-headed Avery, who was picked last, pouted and folded her arms and might have stomped her feet like a little kid as she walked over to Nick and teammates Nookie and Nicole. I’d be bummed too to be the only non ‘N’ name on the team, I guess.

Everyone else: Liz, John (another new named I finally learned) and superrrr Italian speaking Jenna make up team Walker. Jenna is a blessing and a curse. She speaks like every language under the sun but she doesn’t shut up. And she talks with the accent, tries to hard, the whole bit. But as G.F. Walker reminds us, she speaks Italian which is a huuuuuge asset in Italy. In case we forgot. WE DIDN’T, GARY!

They arrive it Italia and receive a note that they have to go to a bocce ball court. I was personally disappointed they didn’t actually play the game, but oh well. They next learn they have to go find Il Cernachino Cafe and order the re-boiled seasonal dish, or Ribollita. Team Walker is rocking it out because they have Jenna who knows Italy like the back of her hand, as she reminds us every 5.3 seconds.

The other team falls behind, but at the next stop on “The Course” they have to go to Carapina and order the treat that is often mistaken for cheese. The answer: Ricotta. The winning team: Nookie, etc. Why: Because Team Walker sucks and blew it! They blew it so bad and they hated themselves the rest of the day for it. Jenna’s Italian couldn’t make up for their lack of food knowledge. (In their defense: who KNEW ricotta wasn’t even a cheese!?)

So now Team Walker is behind when they get to the next challenge, olive picking and they lose to the Nookie team. So Nookie and crew get the exceptional ingredient–a lesson from an Italian grandma about how to make Ribollita and stuff like that.

The exceptional ingredient really doesn’t help the team that much. They don’t really utilize the Nonna as they should and Nookie’s attempt at Ribollita falls flat. He really screwed this one up–he didn’t even pay enough attention to understand the soup is vege-freaking-terian! He put meat in it and Nonna and her son, the Italian food critic, were horrified. Nonna’s not just horrified, she’s got major attitude that the chefs didn’t value her Ribollita expertise. I love a grandma with some ‘tude!

The Ribollita didn’t fare well for team Walker, either. Gary had cooked it the following day only to have it totally destroyed by John. The soup seemingly flew into the air and crashed on every surface in the kitchen. Good job, John. So the whole point of this soup is that it needs to be cooked twice and even though the new soup would only be cooked once, the Italian diners didn’t notice and they loved it.

Other food notes:

• Each team made gnocchi–neither one seemed to blow anyone away.
• Over on team Gary Walker, Liz made pasta but she murdered the dough and it turned out to be a horrible, sad mush. She didn’t seem too enthused to try rectify the problem because she has immunity. Jenna was especially pissed about her attitude.
• On team Nookie, Nicole makes some spicy meatballs and sausage and everyone’s worried about the dish. They are all conspiring to vote her off if they lose but it turns out, the meatballs were the best dish the team served.
• The desserts didn’t look at all appetizing. Real let down!

So in the end, much to my surprise, Nookie’s team wins and Nicole gets Most Valuable Chef.

Team Walker must vote someone off and it seemed it was swinging towards Jenna, for being annoying or John, for the Titanic size spillage of soup.

But it’s neither of them. It’s my beloved Garyfreakinggggwalker. Gary, I really disliked you the first few episodes. And now, I’m still not sure I like you very much but you seemed nice enough and you were extremely entertaining and fun to watch. Bum-mer. Bye, Gary!

Around the World in 80 Plates: Where’s the Beets!?

Somehow, I did it. I watched 80 plates even though it was Chevenless. I didn’t think it would be as entertaining following Chef “Cheven” Keven’s departure last week, but I have rallied on and continued to watch despite his absence.

This week the gaggle of cheftestants head to Morocco and we learn that Marrakesh is such a clusterfuck that Nookie vowed never to return to after traveling there in a previous life. He tell us there are babies driving mopeds next to camels and donkeys and he’s right–it’s bananas.

Once they make it to Morocco, they are greeted by Curtis and Cat who reveal the twist this week: they will be split into 3 teams of their choosing and must leave on a horse and carriage right away to start “THE COURSE.” This week’s course has them running around like idiots trying to find a spice shop in the giant marketplace, the Medina.

Chaz wisely pairs up with French-speaking Gary freakin’ Walker and the other dude whose name I can’t remember, but he’s not important. Red headed Avery teams with Nookie and another guy whose name I can’t remember either. He’s borderline important but his name eludes me. And then the rest of the girls: Jenna, Liz and Nicole team up together. It all seems good at first because Jenna speaks French BUT then they realize they are all WOMEN and they are in MOROCCO. Shit. They might be screwed.

So they all scramble for the spice shop and Chaz’s team is last to arrive but first to leave because they solved the first challenge and can move on. Then they all run to the top of a building where they have to pour tea and Nookie’s team wins the challenge and the exceptional ingredient: a tour guide. They really shouldn’t be calling the prize an “ingredient” anymore. I get it–it’s cute, but he’s a man, not an ingredient.

The tour guide helps translate the process of how to make a Tagine while the other teams are left to their own devices and have to figure it out the old-fashioned way–by eating everything in sight and asking the Moroccan people stupid questions.

It really doesn’t even begin to get interesting until they are all cooking and Avery’s beloved beets go missing. Her eyes explode into giant fireballs and lightning and thunder surround her and she probes her opponents about the beets’ whereabouts. Then she reverts back into her human life form when a staff person returns the M.I.A. beets that were mistakenly moved.

That’s it. Team Chaz wants her gone because she is cray cray!

They all serve their food to the diners and the “other guy” on the team with Nookie and crazy Avery serves some really crappy beans and ruins their perfect service. After they realize they might be in the bottom so they devise a strategy to send Chaz home because he makes tons of mistakes and is annoying.

The rest of service doesn’t matter. Everyone loves Liz’s saffron cous cous and she wins MVP so her team doesn’t have to vote anyone off the island. But everyone else has to vote and it’s battle of Chaz vs Avery.

It’s a 3-3 tie and Liz has to make the tie breaker. She weeps and sniffles and rolls her eyes in disbelief but ultimately votes of Chaz. Which is STUPID because he was actually entertaining to watch! I mean, I still don’t know other people’s names on this show and you send CHAZ home? I’m all for fairness but Bravo should have intervened here.

Next week, we learn they are not done in Europe yet and head to Italy–Chazless, and Chevenless. Insert sad face here.

Around the World in 80 Plates: Barcelona

80 plates relocates to Barcelona, Spain this week and all I could think is that it’s a good thing Sai is gone. She would have been so disappointed that they were not yet en route to Asia and she would have had a serious meltdown–like every other week. I think she got confused and thought she signed up for “Around the continent of Asia in 80 plates.” But Sai is gone and we are left with plenty of other cheftestants Cheven for our entertainment.

I am still quite confused as to what role Cat Cora and Curtis Stone have in the context of this show. Like, they’re supposed to be our world traveling Padma and Tom but they don’t judge the food themselves and don’t have any power to send anyone home. Bravo could have used Mary Kate Olsen and Kobe Bryant and nothing would be different. The format would be the same but an Olsen twin and Kobe Bryant would be wayyyyy more fun to watch.

ANYWAY. The chefs, Curtis and Cat are now in Spain and the teams are again changed which is becoming really confusing. It’s all of the girls and Nookie versus the boys: Cheven, Chaz, Gary freakin’ Walker (I love this guy’s name and I like to say it with added gusto) and everyone else whose names I can’t remember.

The Nookie team is stronger by far even though they lose this challenge to the red team. Nookie once lived in Barcelona and can cut up a fish like no one’s business and he could have single handily won “The Course” challenge for his team…if the rest of his team did better, that is. The course wasn’t that entertaining to watch. They cut up some fish, they all got inked from the ink squid, Nookie got pissed and the black team won the exceptional ingredient: gama roja. Oooooooh, red prawns. Why doesn’t this same that exceptional to me?

Jenna is crazy fluent in Spanish and able to ask for samples of every ingredient at the market with no problem. Oh, and she got some the items the team needed to build the menu. (It’s OK, Jenna. I like samples, too.)

The black team really has their shit together unlike the red team which is just an epic disaster. Cheven is trying to visualize the menu at the market which apparently he shouldn’t be doing yet according to his other teammates. Chaz is wearing the lowest V-neck shirt I have EVER seen on a man and standing around with his hands on his hips pissed off at dear old Cheven. We will call it the “Chaz stance” moving forward.

This week for “The Takeover,” both teams are cooking out of the same restaurant which also happens to have an open kitchen to the dining room so the Spanish diners can enjoy some entertainment in watching the chefs all fight and cry and ruin flan while they eat. That’s the kind of dinner service I would like to have.

The black team is insane. Cheven is supposed to be front of the house but he apparently has some phobia of leaving the kitchen. Everyone hates him for it and everyone tells the camera that they are plotting to send him home.

The red team is cooking away while Jenna runs around with a notebook and pen trying to write the menu. Everyone hates Jenna. But they should LOVE her. Say what you want about her but she is a front-of-the-house queen and her team should be bowing down before her for schmoozing the Spaniards. You know, the people who ultimately hold the team’s fate in their hands. C’mon guys!

Then everyone hates Liz because she starts crying over her flan that she can’t brûlée. They instead brûlée figs to serve with the flan but it doesn’t match what’s on Jenna’s beloved menu she created. Cue Jenna blowing a fuse in her brain. She’s pisssseddddd.

Chef extraordinaire José Andrés joins Cat, Curtis and the restaurant owners to discuss the food, which of course has no bearings on who will actually win or lose. They are smitten with the black team’s tapas but hate Chaz’s fish. They also are liking Liz’s flan, so she can stop crying now.

The black team wins and Nookie is the MVP. Duh.

The red team makes the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF THEIR LIVES and sends home the best thing about this show, Cheven! Ok, that’s slightly dramatic but I will miss his sideburns, his anger, and his comments like “It’s like a fish holocaust over there. I take that very personally considering I’m Jewish.”

I will try to recap again next week. Hopefully someone else will step up to the plate and show at least an eighth of the personality Keven “Cheven” Lee had. We’ll miss you Chevs!